The 10 most unemployable job titles on LinkedIn

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Scene Change co-founder and Motivation for Sceptics blogger Ian Whitworth. Source: supplied.

They say the Inuit* peoples have 50 words for snow.**

So too it is said LinkedIn has more than a thousand words for the unemployable. But we’ll stick to just 10.

There’s nothing wrong with being between gigs. And you have to talk it up. Business is a constant game of bluff, trying to look bigger and better than reality, and that’s cool. But it has to be a realistic, deliverable bluff.

There are two sorts of people in this situation.

There are the genuinely unemployed, regular folk just looking for their next job. They obviously deserve our full support.

Then there are the unemployables: people who just want to be seen to be crushin’ it, even though you should not hire them under any circumstances. The people you take on because they’re going to re-future your business or whatever, then you quietly let them go six months later because they were all talk.

We used a photo of David “’Shingy’ Shing a few weeks back, AOL’s ‘Digital Prophet’. If AOL has had any genuine prophecies, they don’t seem to have acted on them since the 20th century. Straight from the Shingy playbook, here’s the roll call of LinkedIn’s eternal unemployables.

1. Digital Curator

Unemployable but strong bookmarking skills. Exist to annoy people who studied hard to get legit gallery and museum gigs.

2. Blue Sky Thinker

Vivid dreamer with a prodigious weed habit.

3. Creative Visionary

Visionaries are great but you can’t self-describe as that. Similar to number two, but leans more toward psychedelics.

4. Networking Sherpa

Still unemployed at base camp of Mount Success.

5. Thinkfluencer

Unemployable, it’s all about winnovators and successtimators this year.

6. Vice President Of Thought Leadership

Thinking about leadership while being unemployable.

7. Currently Exploring Opportunities Via The Medium Of Coffee

Unemployable time vampire.

8. Business Owner at Self-Employed

Unemployed, happy with it, and willing to let the LinkedIn algorithm write their job title.

9. Long Track Record Entrepreneur

‘Record’ is your clue here. Disqualified from company directorship until 2023, currently unemployed, but at least out of prison these days.

10. Optimism Coach

So, so close to being employed I can just feel it.

Special shout out to the UMT Fighters (an unjustified military/martial arts title), Knowledge Ninjas, Secure Code Warriors and Property Management Gladiators.

I also have a Supply Chain Commando who pops up in my inbox every so often. He’s got the aggressive-face photo to show how badass he can get on his special desk and phone ops.

My businesses are in the event and conference industry, and every so often I meet a guest speaker with a distinguished military background.

I sometimes ask them how they feel, having actually been shot at and bombed on our behalf, about office workers who call themselves Supply Chain Commando. Or hear sales managers declare ‘it’s war out there’. They usually just smile and say ‘I couldn’t possibly comment on that’.

Because they have a modesty-to-achievement ratio uncommon in the LinkedIn universe (and because they are better people than me).

Just call yourself what you do and let your achievements do the talking.

*Should we say Inuits? There’s debate among native polar people about it, given Inuits are just one sub-set of native polar people. Anyway, let the Alaskan native arts community have their say. Don’t say my blogs don’t offer you a broad education.

**First it was true. Then it became an urban myth. But turns out it is actually true.

This article was first published on Motivation for Sceptics. Read the original article.

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2 years ago

Hilarious! I’ve seen far too many of these folk on my Linkedin ????