Stand up and speak out!

Stop sitting on your thoughts and feelings. Don’t be afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Being shy at work gives you a big handicap, but so does being aggressive.

Do you have a boss who tries to overload you? Do you have someone who keeps borrowing money or things you would prefer not to lend? Do you have colleagues who ask for unreasonable favours? Do you have a customer who attacks you personally?

We should all remember we all have rights:

• To have an opinion.
• To express an opinion.
• To ask for something.
• To say ‘no’ to something.

Assertive communication is where a person respects the other person’s rights. This is the kind of communication that makes for productive relationships at work and healthy relationships outside work – with friends and family.

Communication problems occur with:

1. Aggressive communication – when this happens the aggressive person is not respecting the other person’s rights. They might have a raised voice, they may be argumentative or even show bullying behaviour. If it is you doing this – you need to develop assertiveness skills and stop the argumentative style.
2. Non-assertive communication – this is the quiet, shy person, who lacks the confidence to speak up. The non-assertive person does not respect their own rights, they might even have low self-esteem. Non-assertive people need to learn to speak up in meetings!

CASE 1: If someone wants to borrow something from you that you are uncomfortable lending (ie. money, your car) yet you give in and say okay but then feel angry with yourself, you need to learn to manage a request a different way:

• Recognise your own rights – feel confident about your right to say ‘no’.
• Don’t feel guilty – say ‘no’ without making an excuse.
• Practice not giving an excuse – excuses can lead you to being manipulated.

CASE 2: If your boss is overloading you in an unreasonable way, there is a tendency to harbour anger and resentment, and this may lead to passive aggressive behaviour on your part as you feel you are a martyr. Instead:

• Use ’empathic assertion’ – acknowledge and accept the other person’s right to make the request, but at the same time recognise you have a right to express your own view.
• Negotiate a deal and work towards a compromise that will give some wins to both of you.
• Check with others in the team. Is this happening to you alone or are others experiencing the same? You may need to escalate the situation if it continues – so seek advice from HR.

CASE 3: If a supplier or customer is attacking you personally, the best thing you can do is manage your emotions. Use a calm voice and breathe slowly. Don’t take it personally – focus on the task, not on how annoyed or upset you are. Stick to rules and repeat the rules or repeat your statement – in different words – but it needs to be the same message. This is tough if you always like being the nice guy!

Learning to be assertive is important for health and well being, but it can take time. If you can develop your assertive skills it will build your self-esteem and you will feel proud of yourself.

Eve Ash is producer of the best selling assertiveness DVDs Being Assertive and Developing Assertiveness Skills, both part of an extensive range of resources Eve has available at www.7dimensions.com.au.